Yes, it is indeed time to get back on the horse…the blogging horse, that is. I took a tiny hiatus that turned into an extended hiatus! There are a few reasons why this occurred. First of all, I was taking a hiatus from my coach, who I hired to help me with get my voice out in the world, primarily through writing. I stopped seeing my writing coach and I took what started as a tiny hiatus from writing. As a professional coach myself, it is comforting to know that I am capable of falling into the abyss just like any other person. Comforting? Yes, it is. It shows the value in the work that I do (job security!) and that even those of us who “know better” can fall prey to this thing called Life, and that our priorities can shift dramatically and unexpectedly, putting previously important items on the shelf, at least temporarily. It certainly gives me more compassion for my clients that struggle with priority management. As a coach, growing my compassion quotient is a never ending goal of mine. The more, the better!
Secondly, I got a little distracted with this thing called Love. Love…you know, that thing I’ve been hoping, dreaming, wanting for 41 years? And it happened to be with someone who I can only see on weekends because he lives over 2 hours away in San Jose, so my weekend writing got put to the side, and most of my weeknight writing turned into long “novels” that he and I write back and forth (about 80 pages worth at this point!). So I was channeling my writing skills in a different way. But I’m back! And I’m here to tell you about another Life is Perfect story…this time as it pertains to L-O-V-E.
I have two friends (permission granted to share their story!), C & A, who have been married now for a little over a year. C & A are one of those couples where it is totally obvious to anyone around them, that they not only love each other, but they really, really like each other. They crack each other up, finish each other’s sentences, and engage with each other in a really appreciative, adoring way. They are also amazing partners to each other and have that “off the hook” type of chemistry that is palpable in their presence. They, in essence, are the couple that single people (and unfortunately, some married, too) look at and say “that’s what I want”. The quintessential fabulous couple…but it didn’t start out that way, and that is why I’m telling you about them. Their love was born out of a very tumultuous and heart wrenching situation.
A few years back, C & A were married, but they weren’t married to each other. A had been married around a decade when her husband and she started to really develop challenges. A admits now that she wasn’t particularly happy in the relationship, but they had two girls to focus on and she hoped it would get better. But then her husband started to act strange. Hushed cell phone conversations and seemingly disconnect from her and the girls. Stuff that made her question whether he was having an affair. She questioned him and he denied it, but in her gut, she knew something was amiss. At this point, she started to get suspicious, checking cell phone bills (that were astronomical and all to the same number) and realizing that in her heart she knew something had dramatically shifted.
She admits that in some ways, when he came clean to have fallen in love with someone else (as he called “an emotional affair”), in some ways she was relieved. They decided to separate, but their lives were still quite entwined . When they were still living together, she did something she was not proud of – she read his journal. There, what she knew in heart to be true, she found verification. Afer her husband had already moved out, A had this gnawing feeling in her gut that told her “I have to meet her husband. I have to talk to someone who understands my experience”. After much reluctance, A’s husband gave A the other woman’s husband’s email address. They set up a time to meet (although A admits that she almost cancelled 3 times and that her therapist thought it was a very bad idea).
They met up down in Sausalito, which was about halfway between Sebastopol and San Jose, where each couple respectively lived. They met for dinner and really connected. They decided to go dancing, but couldn’t find a place to go, so instead sat in a van for hours talking, when finally he leaned over and kissed her. They proceeded to make out for several hours in the van. And, you guessed it, that man was C.
When they first started seeing each other, they decided to do no “futurizing”. C had plans to move to Australia and A really just wanted to be in the moment. They had so much fun together, living in the moment and just enjoying the few months they had together before C was heading overseas. But as the months rolled by, C realized, despite his lifelong dream of moving to Australia, that A was more important. Yes, truly sometimes the things that are most important, shift as our lives unfold. And sometimes what we discover is that there are things more important that take a priority. Love of this magnitude is indeed one of those things. C decided not to go to Australia. As happy as A was about this, she protested at first, not wanting to be the reason he gave up on his dream. When she realized he was dead-set on loving her as a priority, she gladly acquiesced.
C moved to Sebastopol, but to his own apartment, not wanting to make any rash decisions, especially because of A’s girls. C, who had no children of his own, stepped into a loving role with the girls and things continued to thrive. That’s when I met them, and they told me their story and I was captivated by their tale of sadness and betrayal that converted into a love that is admired by all. That was two years ago. A year later, they married in a small civil ceremony and moved in together and they became a family. When people ask them “soooo…how did you meet?”, they gladly tell the story with glowing looks upon their faces, enjoying the look of shock and awe on the people’s faces when they hear the story unfold.
If you had asked them 3 years ago “if your spouse (of over 10 years) cheated on you, how do you think that would affect your life?”, I’m sure that both of them would say that such a betrayal would be devastating and would be one of those things that would be hard, if not impossible, to overcome. Temporarily, I believe that was the case. Both of them were hurting and mourning over what had happened. If you had told them that it would be the best thing that ever happened to them, I’m sure they would have looked at you like you had two heads. But if you ask them now, they will tell you that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. That it was this love that they had hoped for their entire lives; that the girls love and embrace C in a way that is enriching their lives tremendously, as well. All in all, it was imperfectly perfect.
Sometimes there are things that our souls want that we don’t even have awareness about, until they come into our lives. Sometimes, that makes our priorities shift – priorities we thought would not or could not shift. Life has its way of surprising us and keeping us on our toes. It is a lesson for me in attachment. Sometimes if we get attached to outcomes, we miss opportunities that will bring us even more joy than we know possible. It has me reflect on the importance of knowing our values and to focus on having those be met, because sometimes our values will be more fully manifested by changing our priorities and focus. Suddenly, Australia pales in comparison to a rich life in Sebastopol. Suddenly, my need to express myself, is channeled to my beloved, rather than my blog audience (at least for a few months!).
It also reminds me of the power of presence. I believe part of the magic of C & A was their ability to be completely present and authentic with each other, without an agenda. How often do we have romantic relationships that have agendas (marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fence) that get in our way from seeing who the other person truly is? It’s been a lesson for me, for certain, on the importance of staying present to what is and not to get caught up in the “idea” of the future.
So there is a more personal reason why this story is indeed perfect. When I bought my house in Sebastopol 3 years ago, this lovely woman, Molly, moved into my rental cottage. We became fast friends. I then met her partner, Annie, and became fast friends with her, as well. Annie did a Vision Quest years ago and met A during that experience and became friends with her. Annie then introduced A to Molly and Molly, in turn, introduced her & C to me and we became fast friends. A is one of my closest friends.
At C’s birthday party in January, A approached me as I entered and said “there is a guy here that C & I want you to meet. He’s one of C’s best friends from San Jose and we think he’d be perfect for you!” Fast forward to present time and Eric and I are one happy couple. Are you following? So, if A’s husband hadn’t cheated on her, I would not have met Eric, who is undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Who knew that such joy could arise from such a horrible, initial situation? Well, I did, I just didn’t know how much joy I would personally benefit from in this particular instance! That is why I have this blog! Because I truly believe that Life is Perfect…you just don’t always know it at the time.
